“BHAD” — Brutally Honest Agile Dictionary. For Seasoned Users Only…
Something a bit more lighthearted to prick the egos of all of us involved in making change happen……
Agile Coach — Someone who either knows too little and is therefore dogmatic and irritating, or knows to much and is an alcoholic (see Story Pints). Borderline sanity/manic depression is a defining feature
Agile Couch — Comfy seats in corner of office otherwise filled with soulless rows of highly packed, regimented desks. Only purpose is for carefully positioned photo shoots to show a modern office
API — allegedly painless interface — a wonderful idea whereby you can ask for data and have it provided. A great idea as long as you can find one. Or the team that owns it. If not the usual approach of building a bespoke data link to a non-golden data source as a stractical fix is always an alternative. Often used by non tech people with no understanding of the underlying ideas (see blockchain, big data, IoT)
Architect — A once talented and thoughtful developer who got tired of writing code but likes to still be seen as more important than the masses
Backlog — The never ending story of what were once passing ideas now forever encapsulated as Jira items that not only will they never be deleted, but even if they are they will be retained for 7 years as part of the data policy. This means that Jira tickets have longer tenure than most employees
BDD — Badly Described Demands — A powerful tool that people cant be bothered to learn. Normally used as a way to not only not clarify fully the needs of the user, but also sneak in technical design decisions and hamper the product from the start
Big Data — a wonderfully vague description of a database that for a time was seen to add credibility to any funding application, strategy document or conference engineers presentation. Quietly fading away as we only care about AI now….
Blockchain — A classic example of a solution looking for a problem, this has been one of the most outstanding successes in creating massive fraud, environmental destruction and market manipulation. But it fantastic way to support critical areas of the economy such as conference engineers and the paid-for awards industry
Business Value — A mythical means to determine priority of items in advance, especially useless in companies with little to no direct customer engagement. Often used as a proxy to properly understanding complex trade offs, it allows the cerebrally challenged to quote “Business Value” to get pointless pet projects worked on instead of boring stuff like cybersecurity or deployment automation
Clean Code — Where OCD meets impracticality, a way to create never-ending debate about the granularity of functions and naming conventions rather than outcomes. See Ego
COBOL — The last language written that was readable by non technical people. This has ensured it will continue for perpetuity, and knowledge of this is the greatest job security any developer could wish for. The fact the worlds financial systems continue to be dependent on this tech is terrifying — its like choosing to have the worlds nuclear arsenals in the hands of megalomaniacal senile old men….
Conference Engineers — small cliche of touring speakers who espouse great sounding but overly complex solutions to problems you don’t need to solve, or could be fixed by simply talking to your colleagues. But hey, those air miles don’t pay for themselves
Conway’s Law — amateurs believe this law helps guide the design of team structures to optimise the product architecture. Instead it should be seen as a fantastic means to understand ball of mud, god-awful applications with impenetrable code bases. Simply step back, look at the team structures (or lack of) and the lack of clarity of vision and hey presto! Now the labyrinthine architecture make perfect sense!
Culture — This is the stuff of thousands of well meaning books, all espousing how the right one will transform your workplace. A classic quote is ‘Culture eats strategy for breakfast’. Well there is one common culture to trump them all — and that is Politics. Politics not only eats Culture for breakfast, it then claims it as a success and gets a promotion as well.
Data Driven Decisioning — in an ideal world, enlightened people seek data to check if their efforts actually have delivered value, and make informed decisions off the back of what it reveals. This is clearly an insane idea when confronted with entrenched Politics and Culture
Definition of Ready — In a vain attempt to actually drive some minimum level of quality into the book of work and development process, scrum masters will often try and encourage teams to agree what good looks like. This clearly requires focus on outcomes and it is therefore to be strongly discouraged as this will lead to other foreign concepts such as outcome over outputs, and facts over opinions
DORA — Way of getting a group of seasoned professionals to make noises like those on a children’s animation by introduction the concept of data driven management e.g. “Oooooo”, “Ahhhhh”, and “Ehh?”. The best way to use DORA metrics is badly — use a custom alternative that shows you are elite even as your production services are in meltdown after the quarterly release process and claim success
Development — A wild arena of creativity and destruction, clarity and confusion with a sprinkling of talent and mediocracy. The best bit is university does nothing to prepare you for what you face when “Big Jeff” the grumpy 50 year old cynical dev ravages your attempts to do the right thing on the first attempt (see Ego).
Domain Driven Design — a subset of Conference Engineering, this is another concept the in theory sounds great, despite the core idea failing at first contact with corporate reality. DDD has a place in the organisation however, as it can be transformed into a subtle way to ring-fence a number of applications when teams are tired of the corporate politics. If those teams are then challenged about performance in their area they can point to a random document based on this idea and confidently you to go take a walk as its none of your business…..
Ego — or “Expression of Godlike Opinions” — Way to avoid learning, introspection and work by telling others they’re inferior and sticking to what you learnt 10–15 years ago in a rapidly changing industry
EUC — End User Confusion — mistaken belief that the provision of IT services to employees is aimed at providing the best possible service. In reality it is a dark joke where the EUC team get to play will all the cool new tools ‘as a trial’ then decide no-one else is worthy of access. In the meantime the technology used by everyone else is a fragmented mess that lags 10 years behind what’s available for free on consumer devices
Excel — the cause of and answer to most of the worlds problems. When Puritans campaign against the demon drink, they are focused on the wrong target, as addiction to Excel is far more destructive and way more persistent than a hangover.
Executive Summary — High level detail that is primarily designed to fit a given amount of slide real estate rather than impart enough knowledge to help drive meaningful decision making
Features — Barely thought through collector of wants that may or may not meet a specific need aside from being a way to maintain the Jira hierarchy. Linkage to a customer demand is a bonus
IoT — Internet of Things — never before has a description been so accurate. This addition to ‘Buzzword bingo’ literally includes ’things’ as a nod to the fact that nobody actually knows what this really means apart from the fact that sales and marketing insist on bluetooth in every device. The new connectivity is a nightmare of security holes and embedded code making future developers task impossible. But it sounds cool — until you need to upgrade the software on your kettle. Or fridge.
Java — Java is a great coffee, a beautiful island, and erm, a very widespread language. It is capable of coding anything, which means in reality it is often used to do a vast amount of things badly. But hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! Sheeez it broke….
Kanban — Rarely used well, it instead is often used as a way to abandon any form of structured way of working and give yourself over completely to the dark forces of chaos. Why limit WIP when there’s so much to do? Instead keep on starting tasks then complain Kanban doesn’t work. Much better!
Learning and development — Theoretical use of company resources aimed at improving individuals skills. In reality a contingency pot for making up shortfalls in the budgeting process (see QBR)
Language — There are many languages used in software development. The most interesting language is experienced during a catastrophic big bang release, which is inappropriate for repetition and would disappoint their mothers (see Release)
LeSS — the industrialised version of Kanban. Though intellectually sound, this is also its biggest problem, as successful implementation requires people to think. Bad call.
Lied time — Wild stories made up on spot about how long something will take. Initial creation does normally not involve anyone actually tasked with the build (see QBR)
Low Code Solution — Excel. Where non coders chafe at paying the cost of doing things properly, Microsoft has the answer to hack your way to an unsupportable sticking-plaster solution
Memeory — Key skill in being able to recall the right meme quickly to make fun of the current situation
Microservices — A very clever way to mange complexity in large system architectures. Most commonly a way to introduce complexity into simple architectures, but the team wanted to do it because it’s ‘cool’ and looks good on a CV. Plus they will be using that CV to escape before having to support the monstrosity that results
Mttr — Abbreviation of ‘mutter’, in other words the constant cursing of developers by testers or prod support as they have to once again pick up flaky, poorly written code (see Production)
OKR — Objectionable Kafkaesque Requirements — This arises when a controlling, fixed-mindset budget process subsumes the language of agile planning approaches to create a Frankenstein”s monster of empowered language and 100% commitment years in advance wedded to consequence management
OpCo / SteerCo- Means of having an official way to have a governance process with no decisions or personal responsibility for outcomes. Fantastic way to justify salaries of people not helping improve the working lives of delivery teams
Oracle — No nothing like The Matrix. Think big, expensive infrastructure keeping Larry Ellison obscenely rich
Open Source (OSS) — the only thing more scary than excel as a foundation of the world economy is realising that 70% of software is based on languages maintained by volunteers. As this means that there is no sense of ownership (I.e. profit) this means many companies don’t see a need to invest in supporting the communities keeping them in business. Awesome.
Operations — Group of people who have the dual identity as being critical for filling in for code deficiencies, whilst being unimportant when it comes to influencing the product — despite usually being the most active users of the software. The unloved ginger stepchild of the product development process.
Politics — this is the only way to guarantee advancement and a career, as opposed to naive ideas such as ‘delivering value’ or ‘knowing what you are talking about’. See Culture. Politics is the art of being seen as associated with success (real or imagined) rather than failure (all too real), and actually having to do work is a terrible impediment to the important task of focusing on politics. This is in direct conflict with Data driven decisioning
PowerPoint — job creation application that is a badly spot welded combination of a poor graphics editor, annoying text editor and severely limited animation tool. Though unable to do anything well it survives by being bundled with excel and by keeping millions of people in important sounding jobs busy, without actually delivering value. To this end it is by far the worlds most effective means of planning as it allows for no version control, live updates or holding people to account — I mean how many old meeting presentations do you re-read…?
Prioritisation — Extremely dangerous concept requiring decisions to be made and stuck to, opening up people to repercussions resulting from making a choice. To be avoided wherever possible due to threat to career from having to prove competence and inevitably upsetting people with reality
Project manager — Highly paid PowerPoint expert applying simplistic approach to keep bosses happy in spite of decades of evidence showing they only make things worse. Worse thing is the good ones know this and resort to Story Pints, the bad ones think they actually add value
Product Owner — Normally a retitled project manager or BA, who is given a days training if lucky, but no empowerment to make a real difference. Something to be put up with for as short a time as possible just to burnish your CV. Often has limited interest in how the product actually works technically as that’s hard
Production — The area everyone complains about paying for when working, but then complains even more about when it doesn’t
Pull request — What developers try inappropriately in a bar after too many Story Pints
QBR — Quickly Bury Reality — A new form of the budgeting rain dance, where the fundamental rule of ignore negative feedback is just as strictly enforced. This allows all blame to be directed downwards without the responsibility of making required tough calls being accepted
Red Green and CYAN — Stages of reaction to plan — red meaning people are angry about the stupid imposed delivery schedule, green is the rising feeling of sickness in stomach as they progress through a death march of weekend releases whilst the bosses have time with family, and CYAN (Cover Your Ass Now) kicks in when it inevitably goes wrong
Refactoring — A theoretical process to ensure code is a good and as easy to understand as possible. Given this has to compete with new feature delivery, this goes in the same “nice to have” bucket as bringing about world peace, ending world hunger and a decent ending to Game of Thrones
Release — A process to describe letting go of the shitty underdeveloped product and passing it to production. The internal pressure and short term relief this brings is undeniable, but there will be a god-awful mess to clean up afterwards. A bit like the the morning after too many Story Pints
Retro — Clothing worn by a subset to developers that even other developers refer to as ‘special’
Roadmap — Plans for a coast-to-coast fly-drive holiday that will be cancelled due to project delays
SAFe — or ‘how to sell agile to project management’, it is a case study in the creation of a new dogma and then profiteering off it. Though not having any successful use cases, it has infested the world of agile to try to make itself indistinguishable and suck people in. Once in, you will then need to keep paying SAFe $1,500 to maintain your ‘certification’ when they decide to change the wording of an obscure paragraph which has no impact on business delivery success. Nice
Scrum — Schedule Complex Roster of Unnecessary Meetings — A great way to keep the project management mindset alive at team level whilst professing to be following the principles of highly productive development practices like XP. Allows all teams to march in lockstep like a great mass of unthinking resources that matches the planning assumptions
Scum master — When all the unwanted unpleasant tasks are dumped on one poor sod whose opinions on improvement are ignored
Serverless — A wildly overcomplicated solution for almost all problems that will be implemented anyway as it is “cool”, “we have dedicated cloud spend” or because people want it on their CV
Sorry points — Desperate attempt to ignore reality of software and use project management tools at team level and predict precise timings for a fundamentally creative and non predictable process.
SRE — Shift Responsibility Elsewhere. A way for a development team to move all blame for how the code actually runs to another team. Seems like a great idea initially when faced with poor production performance, but usually supports avoidance of ownership. Makes for interesting arguments
Story Pints — The inevitable overindulgence in the local bar after (or even during) work in an attempt to reconcile the reality of your existence with your needs as a human. Can also be the reason for, and answer to, all future problems if an architect is present. Coping mechanism for teams drowning their sorrows due to poor working practices
Stractical — Result of when teams implement an awful temporary fix to meet an unreasonable deadline that never get revisited. This creates a Frankensteins monster of an almost unsupportable mess that is hard to change and delivers an terrible experience. One of the most common application categories. See Excel
TDD — Tried, Despised, Dumped — Process of knowing your code actually does what is intended. As this requires people to actually think and address their flaws, it is better ignored than adopted (see Ego)
Teiam — Proving that in fact there can be an ‘I’ in team, especially when not co-located or full of egos
Throwput- Chucking stuff as fast as possible into production where it will still be unused — but at least the plan was met (see QBR)
TPI — Officially: Total Performance Indicators — reality: Top People’s Income — Annual process aimed at suppressing income of most workers so that the executive bonuses are guaranteed irrespective of performance
Tribe Lead (ART Lead) — The figurehead of a delivery area, whose main job is to attract attention and stand out from the rest of the Tribe. Often hoped to be a path to promotion, but the path can be treacherous. As per their namesakes on sailing ships, they are inevitably the first casualty when conflict ensures after things go wrong, usually being shot to pieces from all sides when political warfare commences.
Waterfall — Despite being discarded at the dawn of software development as singularly inappropriate for the task at hand, it is now the dominant management methodology. It has proven to be useful as it ignores the complex reality of the task in hand and replaces it with pretty slides that make everything seem simple. In this way it is similar to newspaper horoscopes — utter nonsense and forgotten the next day and with no impact on solving the issues faced in the real world